A Baylor versus Washington State rivalry would be like watching an episode of South Park. Hysterical and politically incorrect.
Putting the Pac-10 on Trial.
How would the Pac-10’s planned expansion hold up in a court of law? Let me show you….
By: Laz Jackson
Bailiff: “All Rise!!”
The ambience in the courtroom is electric. Some can’t believe it. The Pac-10? On trial? For what?
“Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Jackson presiding.”
Judge: “This is case #532401, The People of College Football Nation vs. The Pac-10. On the charges of Conspiracy to commit Grand Larceny and Conspiracy to Commit Murder, Pac-10, how do you plead?”
Pac-10: “Grand Larceny? Murder? Who were we going to do this to?”
Judge: “The Big Twelve, Pac-10. The Big Twelve. How do you plead?”
The Pac-10, shaken after the reading of the charges, attempts to look confident.
P10: “We plead not guilty, your honor.”
J:”The defendant has entered a plea of not guilty. You can all be seated. Prosecution, call your first witness.”
Prosecution: “The Prosecution calls The Big East Conference to the stand.”
The Big East rises and walks to the witness chair. Three very large scars are visible on The Big East’s face, and the jury recoils a little at the sight. The Big East is sworn in.”
Prosecution: Big East, you were attacked by the ACC in 2005, were you not?
Big East: “Yes.”
P: “Do you know what the ACC was after?”
BE: “Yes. They were after the University of Miami, Virginia Tech, and Boston College.”
P: “They were successful in this attack, correct?”
BE: *sniffles* “Yes, yes they were.”
P: “How did you recover after such a vicious attack?”
BE: “I… I was forced to add Conference USA teams. The doctors say that I will live, but that I’ll never have the same quality of life that I had before. Never.”
P: “And… how has your quality of life been affected since the attack?”
BE: “My life has been mediocre.” *sniffles* “It’s been medio…” *Breaks down crying* “It’s been TERRIBLE!!! I used to BE somebody… now all I have is Pitt over UNC in the Mieneke Car Care Bowl. Do you know what that’s like? DO YOU?”
P: “No, I don’t, Big East, and I am so sorry for your loss... Thank you, Big East.”
As the Prosecution rests for the moment, the Defense gives the Big East a moment to compose themselves.
Defense: “Big East… I, too, sympathize with you. But isn’t it true that Miami, BC, and Virginia Tech were dying to leave anyway?”
P: “OBJECTION!”
J: “Overruled. Big East, answer the question.”
BE: “Well… I cannot speculate on the mindset of traitors.”
D: “That’s ok. I’ll do it for you.” *Whips out a file folder* “I present Exhibit A: A formal letter of complaint from the University of Miami to you, dated 1999, outlining some of their problems with you. Do you recall this letter?”
BE: “I do.”
D: “Did you address and of the concerns the University presented in this letter?”
BE: “Well, we try not to prioritize one University over another…”
D: “DID. YOU. ADDRESS. THE. CONCERNS?”
BE: *Hangs head* “No, no I did not.”
D: “So your own negligence brought about your attack?”
P: “OBJECTION!”
D: “Withdrawn. Nothing further, your honor.”
The Big East steps down, looking a little rattled by the Defense’s presentation of the letter. The Prosecution rises.
J: “Next witness, prosecution?”
P: “Prosecution calls The Mountain West Conference to the stand.”
The Mountain West conference swaggers into the witness chair. Younger than the Big East, the Mountain West looks equally happy to be in the courtroom and eager to show that he belongs there. After being sworn in…
P: “Mountain West, you knew about the alleged conspiracy to murder the Big 12, didn’t you?”
Mountain West: “ I did.”
P: “You knew that THAT organization, in THAT chair, *vigorously points to Pac-10 in the defendant’s chair* was planning to brutally rob and kill the Big 12, correct?”
D: “OBJECTION! Asked and Answered.”
J: “Sustained. Get to the point, Council.”
P: “Mountain West… why didn’t you say anything? Why not make some attempt to defend your neighbor conference? I remind you that you are under oath.”
MW: “I didn’t say anything because… I was in on it.”
The courtroom seems to contract from the gasping from the gallery. The Prosecutor slyly smiles.
P: “What do you mean, ‘In on it’?”
MW: “The defendant and I had a deal. He gets the big names, a new TV network, whatever. I get the leftovers, but with those leftovers comes legitimacy. No one would look down on the conference who swallowed a third of the Big 12.”
P: “Thank you, Mountain West.”
The Prosecution strides to his side, confident he just put a major cut into the defense’s armor. The Defense quickly rises to cross-examine.
D: “Mountain West, if you are ‘in on it’, as you say, why are you in the witness stand and not sitting next to my client?”
MW: “The prosecution offered me immunity against another trial for my participation in this one.”
D: “And what was your part in the alleged conspiracy?”
MW: “Just to keep my head down and my mouth shut. If I did that, your client promised me a seat at the big boy table when it all went down.”
D: “Promised?”
MW: “Well… Promised is a strong word.”
D: “What word would you use?”
MW: “ Your client strongly hinted I’d get a say.”
D: “Could it be that my client couldn’t promise you anything because there was NO such conspiracy?”
P: “OBJECTION!! Speculation.”
J: “Sustai-“
D: “I’ll withdraw the question, your honor. Mountain West, did you KNOW that after this alleged conspiracy, that you would obtain the remaining wealth of the Big 12? Did you definitively know that?”
MW: “No. I couldn’t know that for certain. But your client did promise me-“
D: “Could THAT be the real reason you’re testifying against my client? You’re afraid? AFRAID he’s allegedly going to screw you out of your ‘legitimacy’?”
P: “OBJECTION! Relevance?”
J: “Overru-“
D: “I’ll withdraw the question, your honor.”
J: “But I was going to…”
D: “I know, your honor. Thank you. No further questions, your honor.”
J: “Mountain West, you may step down.”
The Mountain West conference does step down, glaring at the Defense on his way back to his seat.
P: “The Prosecution rests, your honor.”
J: “Alright then, Defense, call your first witness.”
D: “The Defense calls Baylor University to the Stand.”
Baylor University rises in a cheap three-piece suit that doesn’t quite fit him right. He flashes a smile to the jury as he is sworn in.
D: “Baylor, have you ever spoken to my client about defecting?”
Baylor University: “Never.”
D: “But you’re a member of the Big 12 AND a Texas University! Surely, if there was an acquisition going on, you would know about it?”
BU: “I’ve never spoken to your client. I know nothing about any alleged ‘acquisition’.”
D: “Nothing?”
BU: “Nothing.”
D: *Turns to judge* “Nothing further, your honor.”
The Defense looks confident going back, until he sees the look on the Prosecution’s face. Is there something he missed? Was he too quick?
P: “Baylor?”
BU: “Yes?”
P: “Is it… Is it true that you are the ‘redheaded stepchild’ of Texas Football?”
D: “OBJECTION! Relevance?”
P: “Trust me, your honor, this has a point.”
J: “I’ll allow it, but this had better go somewhere fast, Council.”
P: “Thank you, your honor.” *Turns to Baylor* “Baylor?”
BU: “I wouldn’t say we’re the ‘redheaded stepchild’, no.”
P: “When was the last time you won the Big 12?”
BU: “Well, we only joined in 1996, so we’ve never actually WON the Big 12 Title, but I’m sure there are other schools-“
P:”I see. How would you describe your record against your fellow Big 12 teams?”
BU: “…Poor.”
P: “Poor! Excellent word choice. So, my question to you is, if, if, IF there was a conspiracy to rob the Big 12 blind and leave it for dead… why would anyone tell you?”
Baylor whips a pleading look at the Defense, who is shaking his head in his hand.
BU: “I’m important! I matter! I’m a part of Texas Football Tradition!!”
P: “Keep telling yourself that. Nothing fur-“
BU: *Smugly* “The Texas Legislature says I’m important! THEY want me in!”
P: “Excuse me?”
BU: “Uh, Uh, Uh… Nothing.”
P: “I will remind you that you are under oath. WHAT does the Texas Legislature want you in on?”
Baylor realizes he’s said too much and whips another pleading look at the Defense, who is at this point hiding his head in his hands.
P: “He can’t help you right now. Answer. The. Question.”
BU: “The Texas Legislature… wants me to be a part of the plan.”
P: *Smiling* “Would that be the plan you’ve never heard of and know nothing about? The plan to rob the Big 12, you included, by the Pac-10?
BU: *Slinking down on the stand* “Yes.”
P: “Nothing further, your honor.”
Baylor is led off the stand, sobbing. The Defense and the Pac-10 are both shaking their heads in disbelief.
J: “Defense? DEFENSE!”
D: “Yes, your honor?”
J: “Your next witness?”
D: *Still Shellshocked* “Right… the Defense calls the Big Ten to the stand.”
The Big Ten is a grizzled old man with a distinct air of defiance around him. He looks like a man who could give you a friendly back-slap with one hand and choke-slam you with the other in the same breath. He’s sworn in.
D: “Big Ten, you have plans to acquire two teams from the Big 12, correct?
Big Ten: “That’s correct.”
D: “So what is the difference between my clients’ alleged conspiracy and your plans?”
BT: “We asked more nicely than your client. We’ve made our plans known for months. The public is comfortable with the idea of our plans coming to fruition. We’ve won in the court of public opinion.”
D: “Did you know of my clients’ alleged conspiracy?”
BT: “We heard rumblings. To tell you the truth, I think that your client’s alleged plan is good for the supposed victim, the Big 12. Sure, the Big 12 will die, but its assets will go to much better use in my hands, or the hands of your client.”
D: “So you’re insinuating the death of the Big 12 is a good thing?”
BT: “Yes. As the oldest conference, I have to say, my years of wisdom would do nothing but help the assets of the Big 12. They would be in larger, steadier hands.”
D: “Thank you, Big Ten.” *To Prosecution* “Your witness.”
The Prosecution steadies himself. He knows the defense made a nice comeback from the Baylor Blunder, and he’ll have to tread carefully to keep the jury on his side.
P: “Big Ten, what are your acquisition plans, exactly?”
BT: “We’d like the University of Nebraska and the University of Missouri.”
P: “That’s it?”
BT: “That’s it.”
P: “ You have your own cable network, correct?”
BT: “That’s correct.”
P: “If the Big 12 were murdered by the defendant-“
D: “OBJECTION!”
J: “Sustained.”
P: “… If you were to acquire the aforementioned Universities, you’d gain access to two brand-new television markets, correct?”
BT: ”…Correct.”
P: “So you’d stand to make a nice profit from the… dissolution of the Big 12, correct?”
D: “OBJECTION!”
J: “Overruled.”
P: “Big Ten?”
BT: “…that’s correct.”
P: “Nothing further, your honor.”
J: “We’ll have a short recess, then we’ll hear closing arguments from both sides.”
During the recess, both sides like their chances. The Big Ten, the defense’s star witness, held, and the defense knows their Mountain West cross was good. The Prosecution, on the other hand, has the Baylor Blunder on their side, but doesn’t want to belabor the point to the jury. As everyone files back in for closing, the electricity returns to the atmosphere.
J: “Prosecution?”
P: “Thank you, your honor.” *Stands, straightens tie* “It is CLEAR that the Pac-10 was, and still may be, trying to rob and kill the Big 12. We know WHY, as well; it’s for the usual reasons, money, power, respect. You heard the Big Ten makes the assertation that the Big 12’s assets, their teams, would be better served in their experienced hands. I’m almost positive the defense feels the same way. And maybe that is true. But even if it is, that does not, DOES NOT, condone the looting and murder of a conference. The conferences are like a family. And if a family kills one brother, only to shelter and spoil his widow and child, does that make the murder any better? No! It doesn’t. And this isn’t right, either. It’s. Not. Right.
The Prosecution, giving one final look to the jury, walks slowly, yet purposefully, back to his chair. The Defense rises.
D: “The Prosecution says the conferences are a family. This is true. But this is NOT the murder of a brother, the loss of a close family member. This is comparable to letting a cousin die, of natural causes, and dividing his estate so it can be looked after. My client is not out to rob and kill the Big 12. My client merely wishes to take care of his cousins assets. To make his nieces and nephews, who no longer have a father, rich and successful. To take pride in the accomplishments of the children, while asking for none of the credit. If the family can further the accomplishments of the children, shouldn’t it be allowed to? Let my clients’ family; his experienced, well-versed, highly competitive, successful family, take care of the kids. Even the redheaded stepchildren.”
The Defense, confident in his extension and reversal of the Prosecution’s family metaphor, rests. The judge gathers himself, then instructs the jury to deliberate…
Deliberation lasts for days. Heated arguments abound, and both sides are wary of a mistrial. But, after 6 days of waiting, we’re back in the courtroom.
The jury files into their seats, looking weary and tired. The foreman hands sheet of paper to the bailiff, who hands it to the judge, who looks at it, then hands it to the bailiff to give to the foreman. A buzz starts to build in the back of the room, but is quickly silenced by the judge…
J: “Will the Defendant please rise?”
The Pac-10 gets to his feet. He’s heard everything from an acquittal to the unthinkable in these last few days, and is ready to know his ultimate fate.
“Has the jury reached a verdict?”
Foreman: “We have, your honor.”
J: “Let’s hear it.”
F: “In the case of The People of College Football Nation vs. The Pac-10, on the charge of Conspiracy to commit Murder, we find the defendant, the Pac-10… Not Guilty.”
The Pac-10 lets out a huge sigh of relief, and looks thankfully at the Defense. The Defense isn’t as happy though, he senses something wrong, he senses it’s not quite over yet…
“On the charge of Conspiracy to Grand Larceny, we find the defendant… Guilty.”
The Pac-10 looks as if he’s been shot. Whipping his head to the Defense, he sees the Defense gritting his teeth and grabbing the table as if it letting go will kill him. What did he miss? What did he do? What did he not do? How could this happen…
“The Defendant is sentenced to watch Baylor-Washington State play awful, awful football every time he closes his eyes.”
Judge: “The jury is dismissed, and this case is adjourned.”
Well, I laid down MY sentencing, but is there room for a retrial? Let me know in the comments below.
Find Laz and much more of his work on sports and life at The Blackboard- www.lazchancemsu.wordpress.com
Find Laz and much more of his work on sports and life at The Blackboard- www.lazchancemsu.wordpress.com
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